The day my crock pot betrayed me

Ya'll I'm feeding a herd. There are 5 kids, 4 of which eat table food. That makes my 5th sound like a  dog, but in reality he's just still on the boob. The crockpot is vital in my life. I'm incredibly unorganized and by the time dinner comes I'm often ready to start drinking and have zero patience left. So here's the story of when my crock pot betrayed me.

3 days ago I decided to be all productive and plan to make a crockpot black bean soup. (It's from crockpot365 and you should try it!) I knew I had to soak the beans to soften them overnight (also to remove phytic acid and help absorption of nutrients). I was so proud of myself for soaking beans and planning a meal for the next day. Only to find out that they needed to cook for 9 hours so they soaked another day because by the time I had started to get the crockpot together, dinner would have been at 8pm.

The next day rolls around and I'm getting everything in the crockpot at 8am bright and early so we can have dinner at a decent time, only to re-read the recipe and you only have to cook for about 5 hours if you soaked the beans. Okay, cool. I'll just put it on low. I was anticipating the soup all day. It's one of my favorites and I, for some reason, haven't made it in about 2 years. I get everything in the crockpot and "Set it and forget it!" Wait... wrong appliance. Whatever. You get the point.

Notice the melted handle on the lid? That's
because I'm a  genius and tried to put the whole
thing in the oven one day. #briliant

I come back later in the afternoon to check on the soup and the beans are still really hard. Well, that's okay I'll crank it up to hight for the rest of the cooking time. Problem solved. Dinner time rolls around. My kids are melting down. I apparently haven't fed them in days. The toddler skipped her nap and is now determined to rage out on her siblings. I have a brilliant idea of telling them dinner will be ready soon. I instantly regret this decision.

I go back to the pot about 5:00 and the BEANS ARE STILL HARD! What the actual heck is going on with my food. Now I'm in panic mode. Dinner is not ready and my vultures are ready to feed. So I choose to do what any mother does and I turn the tv on while I figure it out. I throw the crockpot contents into a pot and crank it up on high so the beans will boil and cook.

One hour passes. The kids have had some sort of snack to hold them over and I've managed to avoid mutiny. TWO HOURS pass and the beans are softening but still not edible. I've turned on America's Got Talent and turn off the lights and tell the kids to help judge the contestants. "It's fun!" I say. I'm not sure they're buying it.

Finally, at the end of hour two, the beans are somewhat soft but still.... crunchy. I say screw it and I serve it up anyways. The toddler is now asleep in the living room. Without eating. This is not good. She's hyperglycemic and if she goes to bed without dinner she will wake up puking. (She will continue to throw up until I feed her donuts. This sounds like a ploy but literally donuts are the only thing we've found to stop the vomiting in ALL THREE of our hypoglycemic girls. It must be the sugar/carb mix.)

I tell my husband to wake her up and feed her and if she doesn't want the soup to give her something... anything else so she goes to bed with food in her belly. It's now the baby's witching hour so I have to retire to the bedroom which leaves my husband in charge of dinner and bed. I have faith in him. He's a good dad.

He feeds them and gets them in bed. No one ate the soup. I'm not sure I even want to know what he fed them... but they didn't wake up puking so I'm calling it a success. I spent the next morning annoyed at the stupid beans (which were obviously bad) while I prepare my roast chicken for the crockpot since it's going to be a busy day.

I get home from the chiropractor with the kids at around 5 and see my chicken... STILL RAW in the pot. It's barely warm and it's dinner time. I throw it in a pot and roast it for an hour an a half in the oven. It was good, although the kids complained about cooked carrots. Whatever, their loss. I love them.

I'm now super annoyed at my crockpot and have figured out it has decided to ruin my life. I'll now replace it like the traitor it is. Lucky for me, it's Amazon Prime day! I get a $60 crock pot on sale for $30. YES! Score! I leave Amazon in a hurry as to not clear my bank account.

It didn't work. I bought 2 water bottles and an anniversary present for my hubby. I DID walk away from a jumbo pack of organic gummy snacks though. It took all my will power. I mean $4 off... How could I pass it up?! So I got a new crockpot, my kids didn't puke, and I got water bottles for school. I know, I know #momgoals.